Sterling Randazza

Can a villain also be a victim? Sure can.

Check out what Marc Randazza has to say in this gutsy opinion piece for CNN. In it, he talks about how we’ve entered a brave new world when it comes to our privacy and who you should trust.

By the way, the Donald Sterling big hot mess has nothing to do with the 1st Amendment, regardless of what folks on twitter tell you.

And the Judge yelled, yelled, yelled, yelled until she died in prison

As I’ve said time and time again, you’d better hope that the judge doesn’t fillet pike and muskie with the same type of knife you used to kill someone.

Click here for the video. Sorry, can’t embed it.

If you find yourself in a case like this, take my advice. Find a judge who doesn’t fish. Or, if they all fish, find one with an even-keel temper who doesn’t act like he takes the case personally.

In the judge’s defense, perhaps he is up for reelection. That’s the only quasi-logical excuse for this behavior from the bench.

A Serious Request for Assistance – Ft. Myers, Florida

In a complete departure from this blog’s usual MO. I have a serious request. This is akin to the “Popehat Signal.” Although, I’m not feeling terribly creative today and can’t think of anything catchy to call this request, and I am decidedly more small-time than the Popehatters.

What I am doing.

I am assisting a homeless Navy veteran who has fallen on extremely hard times. He is located in Ft. Myers, Florida and lives in a tent near Gladiolus Drive. This man regularly communicates with me via a computer terminal at Lakes Regional Library. He pays for occasional meals and his tent by performing day labor.

Assuming he is not bullshitting me (which I’ve attempted to verify to the best of my ability), I intend to represent him before an administrative board in Washington, DC in an attempt to have his military discharge upgraded in order to afford him a better chance of receiving veteran benefits and possible treatment for his mental illness. Nothing is guaranteed. I’m just trying to get him a better chance at recovery.

Normally, I keep such pro bono activities private, but I need some assistance from a law office in Ft. Myers in order to facilitate my handling of his case.

What I need.

1. Initially, I need a place where this man can print documents, sign them, and fax/scan them back to my office. At this point, we are probably talking about 5-10 pages in total.

2. It will be necessary for me to speak to him on the phone. He doesn’t have one. So, I need the availability of a phone and conference room, spare office, or even a closet or storage area. What matters is that I have the chance to speak to him privately.  I would place the call, so any actual charges/tolls would be on my end, not yours. This would not be a regular thing, and we are probably looking at one or two calls in a 6-12 month period.

3. This is the ugly one. I need at least two people (I insist that you not do this alone) visit his tent in order to take pictures of his “residence,” the surrounding area, and him. This is part of his case, and they will be used as exhibits.

Full Disclosure

This is not a paying gig. However, I will thank you publicly online via this blog and my office website MilitaryAdvocacy.com. It’s not much, I know. Sorry.

There are other factors to consider, which will be discussed directly and not in public.

I can be reached directly at eric (at) MilitaryAdvocacy dot com

Senior Skip Day

If you grew-up like me, it was tradition for the high school senior class to take a “senior skip day” prior to graduation. Tomorrow is #63’s day.

In due course, he asked that I inform the school that he is “sick.” Well, I’m certainly not going to lie for him. After all, I’m an officer of the court. My integrity is vitally important to my professional status.

So, I was honest. See for yourself.

__________________________________________

Dear Dr. (Principal):

My son will not be attending school today. He is mentally unable to perform to the minimum standards expected of members of the student body. He also has the sniffles, or something.

I started to type that he has the clap, but then he got all huffy and told me to delete it. So I did. Now that he is 18, such jokes are no longer as taboo as they were when he was at the tender age of 17, but I digress.

You see, my son is a millennial–also referred-to as Generation Y. In business and professional circles, they are widely regarded as the most worthless and self-entitled generation to inhabit the earth since Adam and Eve got weird about fruit. They’ve devised a technique for avoiding work and effort. They call it a “mental health day,” and it is widely used to confuse supervisors into believing that an absence is medically necessary. Knowing this, I think the most accurate way to describe today’s absence may be to use the GenY “mental health day” terminology.

Then again, it may be easier for your record-keeping to just call it the sniffles.

Either way works for me. All I ask is that he please be excused due to his “illness.” Believe me, it is in the best interests of your institution that he not attend today.

Please share this with his teachers, as I know they will be extremely concerned about his wellbeing.

Yours,

Eric

The New Niche: Giving You Something To Think About

Every lawyer in private practice has conducted this call within 5 minutes of hanging a shingle.

Lawyer (L): Hello?

Potential Client (Not Really) (PCNR): Yes, are you a lawyer?

L: Yes! I am! (stated with oodles of nauseating enthusiasm)

PCNR: I’ve got this situation. (explains situation in gory, irrelevant detail)

L: Wow. OK, well, the way I see it… (lawyer proceeds to give away all his knowledge in an in-depth analysis of all gory, irrelevant details)

PCNR: OK, so… (asks question after question after question after question (ad nauseum))

L: (Answers questions, because wants to have clients and help them)

PCNR: This is great!

L: I’d love to take your case, my fee is (any dollar amount from $5 to whatever).

PCNR: Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about. I have your number right here.

And on this basis, the call ends.

30-60 minutes of professional life spent with nothing to show for it. You do, however, have the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve given someone much to think upon, and that your number is right there.

Young lawyers gain experience, and these calls go from 30-60 minutes to less than 1 minute. We develop skills to control the conversation from the get-go, dissecting the most important points, and sending quickly-identified lookie-loos on their way.

I had one of these calls just the other day and dispatched it in 34.62 seconds. As I sat back, prideful of my learned expedience, I realized that maybe I’m missing the bigger issue.

These potentials were actually sending a very strong message. They needed help in a legal niche that has never been tapped. They need a lawyer to give them something to think about. As both an entrepreneur and lawyer, an idea popped into my head.

Eric: Specializing in Giving You Something To Think About

Brilliant! You know it’s brilliant. Admit it to yourself.

Forget hours hunched over an appeal. Put away those suits you wear to the courthouse. Rid yourself of pesky depositions.

From the comfort of my home, I endeavor to provide thousands with the legal help they really need, but no lawyer was wiling or able to give.

Something to think about.

But, hey, I gotta pay the rent. How to do this? The answer is as clear as the niche.

Competitive, a la carte, tiered pricing.

Here’s how it works:

Level A: Something to think about regarding the specifics of your legal issue. This is detailed. All facts are considered, no matter how minute or insignificant. Talk as long as you want. I’ll give you everything I know. Fee: $1000 for the first hour, $750 for each additional hour, with an additional $2500 if you cause me to become suicidal + any actual costs arising from institutionalization.

Level B: Something to think about: generally pertinent to the ultimate consequences of your legal issue. Time is limited on this one, and not all facts are considered, but we’ll get you into the ballpark. Examples include: “You should totally plead not guilty” or “Settle this one for $5000” or “You’re probably looking at 4-6 years in jail” or “Have you ever considered residing in Ecuador?” Fee: $500

Level C: Something to think about: Whether to hire a lawyer or not. From very basic facts, we give you one of two answers. Answer 1: You should hire a lawyer. Answer 2: You probably can get away with not hiring a lawyer. Fee: $250

Level D: Something to think about: Screwed? You’re given 20 seconds to tell me as much as possible. Then, I reply with “Dude, you’re screwed” or “I don’t think you’re screwed, yet” or “You totally screwed him/her/it.” I then hang up. Fee: $50.

Level E: Just something to think about. I call you. You are not allowed to talk. I give you something to think about. What I say might be relevant to your legal matter, but only by sheer dumb luck. Examples include “Which Muppet are you attracted to, and what does that say about you?” or “Why do farts smell completely different when they originate in water?” The call ends immediately after I give you something to think about. Fee: $10.

There you go. No need to tell me that I’ve given you something to think about. As the national expert/specialist in such matters, I know all about my skillz.

Yes, I will accept credit cards, goods-in-kind, and bitcoin.

So, next time you need something to think about, give me a buzz. I’m the lawyer for you.

And I’ll let you keep my number right there. For free.