UA Announces the Leo’s Donuts Maple Bacon Customer of the Year

We at UA, the unofficial sponsors of Leo’s Donuts and Coffee House, are proud to announce Eric as the recipient of the first annual Maple Bacon Customer of the Year.

“In selecting our first annual Maple Bacon Customer of the Year, we wanted to find someone who embodies the strong principles of our vaunted Maple Bacon line, and we found just the right guy at the right time,” said Andra Shortt, owner of Leo’s. “Some of our customers are strong with bacon, but short on maple, or vice versa. In Eric’s case, he’s a veritable donut renaissance man.”*

This years MBCOY enjoying maple bacony goodness before driving-off in the Leomobile.
This year’s MBCOY enjoying maple bacony goodness before driving-off in the Leomobile.**

When approached about this honor, Eric stated “No self-respecting lawyer wants to be associated with Starbucks, but being a Leo’s Lawyer is just fine with me,” before excusing himself to consume the fourth MBD of the day.

When asked later to clarify his thoughts, Eric exclaimed “Know Jared on the Subway commercials? I can see myself being that guy for Leo’s. As long as they’re willing to keep me supplied with insulin, I’m good with that.”

“I always knew I’d be here someday. I was born for it.”

Reaching the pinnacle of the donut world is no small feat, and congratulations are in order.

Asked for comment, Scott Greenfield, the New York-based prolific proprietor at Simple Justice, who is not the Leo’s Donuts Maple Bacon Customer of the Year, snorted “He just does this to torment me.”

*Not actual comments by Ms. Shortt, but comments we at UA hope she would say.

**Was not actually allowed to drive the Leomobile, but a guy can dream, can’t he?

And… We Have A College

#63 was officially informed today that Northwestern University will be the recipient of a wheelbarrow load of my money.

I never thought I’d say it, but I’m going to make this purple look damn good.

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Fishing For Cops – Tom Mabe

While accepting an award yesterday from the local chamber of commerce, #63 had the privilege to meet Tom Mabe. For those of you who don’t know, he made a name for himself as a prankster, starting his career by torturing telemarketers.

I know everyone who reads this blog probably already saw this, but it’s worth another gander, just for the heck of it. It is especially good for those feeling a bit frustrated with law enforcement.

Military Set to Celebrate Blowjob and Cornhole Liberation Day

After years of debate over the merits of Lawrence v. Texas and pressure from powerful anti-anything-other-than-missionary-sex Christian lobbyists, congress is finally set to add consensual blow jobs and cornholing to the list of military benefits.

Via Military Times:

Consensual sodomy would no longer be a crime under the Uniform Code of Military Justice under a provision of a compromise defense bill agreed to by the leaders of the House and Senate Armed Services Committee.

This reminds me of a conversation with a young military member who, just last year, said “Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the commissary and exchange privileges, medical care, and GI Bill, but it sure would be nice to get some consensual backdoor action without fear of prosecution.”

He was quick to clarify “And, I’m serious about the consensual part, despite what Gillibrand thinks about all us males in uniform.”

Prior to the change, this was the only form of cornholing allowed by the UCMJ, albeit begrudgingly:

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Apropos of everything, this particular model is made by the company “Toss-O.”

While the ultimate fate of the current defense bill is not certain, optimism is high that a change to the law will toss the current maximum punishment of 5 years confinement and a dishonorable discharge.

Apparently, change would have come sooner, but the strong Washington animal lobby was fearful that a radical change would place the nation’s population of cuddly creatures (large or small) in peril at the hands of legions of lecherous military members.

The provision modifies Article 125 of the UCMJ so that bestiality and forcible sodomy remain a military criminal offense but consensual sodomy is not.

That distinction is intended to prevent a repeat of a situation two years ago when the Senate first tried to repeal Article 125 in light of the repeal of the military’s ban on open service by gays. Following the Senate vote, a firestorm of criticism was leveled at the defense bill by conservative pro-family groups claiming that Congress was trying to legalize bestiality.

Bless their hearts.

Incoming!

Just a few fantastic google searches that will take you to our gilded doorstep.incoming

i want to be a second lieutenant what are the reason – Come back once you iron-out that grammar thing.

i want to be a second letieutenent what are the reason – Spelling, too.

unwashed balls – Fine, if kept in private. Certain religions make exceptions to this rule.

shitlaw – That’s us!

can a military conviction follow you in civian – Laws of civian strictly prohibit it.

can you get into college with a military discharge – All except UC Berkeley.

is it proper to refer to yourself as esquire if you are an attorney – Only if you want no friends.

google guys rasslin – If I get a ticket for this event, I’ll send it to you. I’m not interested.

do men like polished shoes – Real ones, yes.

when your accused in the military, your punished as your guilty – Is that what your lawyer told you?

what is avvo – Nothing worth your time.

yodle sucks – Yep.

what is it like to be second lieutenant military – Have you ever read Kafka?

should I put esq on my business cards – As long as you don’t plan to hand them out.

alexis neely reviews – Do we have a story to tell you

do men like unwashed women – One of my college roommates had this thing for…..you know, let’s just move on to the next one.

george zimmerman verdict appeal – I’ve already been chastised for making fun of those who slept through high school civics. Don’t make me get chastised again.

waiving your adsep board – Stupid, stupid, stupid.

unwashed sex – OK, you have our attention.

Jesus Went UA

We first showed this back in March. Given this festive season (which for us starts with X-ween, then X-Giving, followed by X-Mas, and finally X-Years), a retread of this post seems in order.

We at Unwashed Advocate have a direct line to the big guy, as you should already know. Did you think we wouldn’t?

Will Military Commanders be Cut or Banded?

Senator Gillibrand’s military justice reforms appear to be falling short due to procedural reasons. As of the last count, she had 53 public supporters for her changes, with 60 necessary to pass. Gillibrand’s are the most radical of all proposed changes, designed to (apparently proverbially) neuter military commanders.

For now, we are likely looking at incremental change intended to improve the system while holding commanders more accountable. Whether or not anything is improved depends largely on perspective, of course. However, I suspect ongoing debate followed by another push next fall, especially if sexual assault statistics continue to trend negatively. In the end, the question will be whether commanders are cut or banded. Either way, it ain’t going to be comfortable or pretty.

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Banding isn’t as humane as some people think. Nor is it pretty.