Editor’s Note: Gu Gu is a giant panda at the Beijing Zoo. He is a renowned expert on panda culture and is known for cultivating a unique relationship with the humans who visit him. Gu Gu has also gained a unique appreciation for military law and policy and contacted Unwashed Advocate for the express purpose of addressing certain aspects of US v. Sinclair, the alleged sexual assault case arising from Ft. Bragg. The views of Gu Gu are his own and do not reflect the views of the staff at Unwashed Advocate or any of our esteemed associates. While it is not normally our policy to grant requests for guest posts, we made an exception here due to Gu Gu’s longstanding support and patronage of Unwashed Advocate.
BY GU GU
BEIJING, CHINA — You’ve got a lot of nerve, buddy. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Brigadier General Sinclair. I’ll be blunt, as I always am.
You’re no papa panda.
Oh, I read the transcript of your Article 32 hearing, and I know about the rampant use of “panda” analogies between you and your former girlfriend (now complaining witness). Did you really think I wouldn’t have a Google Alert on “poppa panda?” If you thought you could get away with it, you thought wrong. Now, you messed with the wrong species of cuddly-looking animals, and we will not sit by, idly, in silence.
For anyone not aware, testimony thus far suggests that Brigadier General Sinclair referred to his Captain girlfriend (now alleged victim) as a panda. She, in turn, referred to him as “poppa panda sexy pants.” I’ve come here today to set the record straight about my people, our reputation, and our feelings.
To begin, I want to make one very important point. General, I’ve shared cages with papa pandas. I’ve known papa pandas. Many papa pandas have been friends of mine. General, you’re no papa panda.
As you may know from years of headline stories, we pandas have attempted to cultivate a global reputation as not giving a damn about reproduction or sexual intercourse. Unlike you humans, we don’t feel the overwhelming urge to blanket every square inch of the globe through rampant and uncontrolled breeding. We have self-control, and reproduction is, at best, a way of providing self-replacement value, and nothing more. You may want us to pump out a unit for every zoo across the globe, but we know what we’re (not) doing.
Oh, you humans have attempted to prod our urges. After all, a bzillion dollars each year get funneled into the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding. This place actually tried to show me panda porn. Can you believe it? The indignity of it all! Do you think this would be necessary if we lacked self control? Hell no. After all, the US Army isn’t exactly clamoring to create the Sinclair Center for Advanced Subordinate Breeding Research, are they? Why? They don’t need to. Obviously.
You see, I’ve worked for years to establish pandas as a morally-upright and hard-working breed. Guys have tried to jump into my cage because I’m just soooooooo cute. Well, I showed them. Oh, I didn’t kill (I’m not a monster, you know), just gnawed on their legs for a bit. It sent a message. You don’t go jumping into a construction site to start pinching the cheeks of building contractors. Why? They’d kick your ass. Well, I want the same standard for my people. Us hard-working and conscientious folks deserve better.
But, here you go. You used our species as an amorous “pet name.” Well, buddy, I’m no pet. And, don’t try to say you were actually referring to the Red Panda. That just pisses me off. After all, Red Pandas aren’t really pandas. They are a result of breeding a raccoon with a Shih Tsu. Nothing more. You might be able to fool some pandas with that line of BS, but not this one.
I wish you’d thought about the second and third-order effects of your pet names, General. They sting me and my people worse than you may realize. We deserve better.
Finally, just so you know, a real “poppa panda” would’ve helped the young lady with her books.
Please take what I’ve said here today under advisement, and GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.