Thought of the Day

For anyone who, during a conversation with me, prefaces a thought with “Can I just say that…”, my permanent and unwavering answer is “No.”

But, thanks for asking.

Military in Film: Hall of Dishonor

Whenever the military is portrayed in film, I prepare to cringe. Today, it was decided that you should share in these cringeworthy moments. You know, the ones where some guy in a ponytail is sold as a member of a Special Forces team or anything having to do with the movie “A Few Good Men.”

Let’s begin 30 years ago in the movie “War Games,” with this skilled portrayal of an Air Force Security Policeman at NORAD. Wearing white gloves, ascot, Class-A uniform, utility belt, and pizza-man beret, this is a look that screams “Aim High!” Who knew that guarding NORAD was such a formal endeavor.

Screen Shot 2013-09-20 at 1.09.56 PM

Fort Bragg Wins This Week’s Internets

Anything can happen at Ft. Bragg, as WRAL in Fayetteville reports:

A Fort Bragg soldier and his wife are accused of engaging in sex acts with dogs and then posting video of the encounters on the Internet.

Don’t fret about the critters. It appears everyone is safe and sound.

Raeford officers seized two mixed-breed dogs and three cats from the couple’s home and placed them in the care of a local shelter.

Just a couple of things:

1. Why is it necessary to note that the two dogs are “mixed-breed?” Would it be an aggravating factor if they were purebred?

2. Are the cats relevant to the charges? Actually, I’d rather not know.

From the tone of the news report, it appears that the criminal aspects of this case will be handled by civilian authorities, armed with laws such as “crimes against nature.” Though, I expect this soldier’s command will seek a less-than-honorable discharge, at a minimum.

With that said, I have no desire to provide further updates to this story.

H/T Hull

Incoming! Zimmerman Query

Looking at the incoming search terms used to reach UA via the googles, I found this gem:

Has the Zimmerman case reached the Supreme Court yet?

Gosh, does any lawyer out there know the answer to this question? I’ll refrain from mentioning my belief that not enough people stay awake during high school civics, since that upsets some people.

Translating the Lawyerese

I often get calls from potential clients who’ve previously contacted other lawyers. Invariably, the following is said during these conversations.

“Well, the other lawyer I called told me that (insert what the other lawyer said here).”

I take a few things away from this sentence.

1. The client wishes they could hire the other lawyer.

2. I’m only being called because the other lawyer was unavailable to them for certain reasons.

3. They wholeheartedly believe what the other lawyer said. They truly believe that the other lawyer regrets not being able to take their case. They take the lawyers words at face value, with no filtering or translating.

I’d like to help with #3 by translating what the other lawyer said. Here goes.

1. The lawyer said: I have too many cases right now and can’t take yours.

Comment: Bullshit. Every lawyer has room for at least one new case. The only exception is those looking to wind-down or reduce their practice due to retirement, changing jobs, etc. However, chances of reaching one of those guys is minimal.

What they really mean: I’d rather default on my mortgage this month than take your case and remain financially solvent.

2. The lawyer said: Gosh, I don’t take that kind of case.

Comment: Yes, they do. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have called them.

What they really mean: I take those cases, just not when they are attached to annoying people like you.

3. The lawyer said (after stating that they don’t take those kinds of cases): Sorry, I also don’t know anyone who takes that kind of case.

Comment: You can bet they know someone.

What they really mean: I know oodles of people who take these kinds of cases. However, referring your case is no way to treat a friend, and if I referred it to an enemy, they’d report me to my state’s licensing board. So, I’ll just pretend that I live under a rock and have no friends.

4. The lawyer said: You have an easy case.

Comment: There’s no such thing as an easy case in an adversarial system.

What they really mean: This case sucks, but I need to say something nice because my parents raised me to say nice things. Unfortunately, “easy” is the only adjective I can think of at this time, though it be an incorrect description.

5. The lawyer said: This case is worth a lot of money and could make you very wealthy, but I just don’t have time to take it.

Comment: You really believe a lawyer is going to turn down a case worth lotsa money? Really? No, really?

What they really mean: I just feel like screwing with someone today. It is today. You are somebody. Sorry, chump.

6. The lawyer said: This case will make you famous.

Comment: See #5.

What they really mean: See #5.

7. The lawyer said: This is a GREAT case, but I am unable to take it at this time.

Comment: Lawyers always, always, always have time for the ever-elusive “great case.”

What they really mean: Your case sucks. I find you reprehensible, entitled, annoying, misinformed, and a bit loony, and I’m looking for an easy way to get you out of my office. May god have mercy on the next poor attorney you contact.

Guest Post: You’re No Papa Panda

Editor’s Note: Gu Gu is a giant panda at the Beijing Zoo. He is a renowned expert on panda culture and is known for cultivating a unique relationship with the humans who visit him. Gu Gu has also gained a unique appreciation for military law and policy and contacted Unwashed Advocate for the express purpose of addressing certain aspects of US v. Sinclair, the alleged sexual assault case arising from Ft. Bragg. The views of Gu Gu are his own and do not reflect the views of the staff at Unwashed Advocate or any of our esteemed associates. While it is not normally our policy to grant requests for guest posts, we made an exception here due to Gu Gu’s longstanding support and patronage of Unwashed Advocate.

______________________________________________

BY GU GU

English: Giant Panda at the Beijing Zoo in Beijing
Am I sexy pants to you?  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

BEIJING, CHINA — You’ve got a lot of nerve, buddy. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Brigadier General Sinclair. I’ll be blunt, as I always am.

You’re no papa panda.

Oh, I read the transcript of your Article 32 hearing, and I know about the rampant use of “panda” analogies between you and your former girlfriend (now complaining witness). Did you really think I wouldn’t have a Google Alert on “poppa panda?” If you thought you could get away with it, you thought wrong. Now, you messed with the wrong species of cuddly-looking animals, and we will not sit by, idly, in silence.

For anyone not aware, testimony thus far suggests that Brigadier General Sinclair referred to his Captain girlfriend (now alleged victim) as a panda. She, in turn, referred to him as “poppa panda sexy pants.” I’ve come here today to set the record straight about my people, our reputation, and our feelings.

To begin, I want to make one very important point. General, I’ve shared cages with papa pandas. I’ve known papa pandas. Many papa pandas have been friends of mine. General, you’re no papa panda.

As you may know from years of headline stories, we pandas have attempted to cultivate a global reputation as not giving a damn about reproduction or sexual intercourse. Unlike you humans, we don’t feel the overwhelming urge to blanket every square inch of the globe through rampant and uncontrolled breeding. We have self-control, and reproduction is, at best, a way of providing self-replacement value, and nothing more. You may want us to pump out a unit for every zoo across the globe, but we know what we’re (not) doing.

Oh, you humans have attempted to prod our urges. After all, a bzillion dollars each year get funneled into the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding. This place actually tried to show me panda porn. Can you believe it? The indignity of it all! Do you think this would be necessary if we lacked self control? Hell no. After all, the US Army isn’t exactly clamoring to create the Sinclair Center for Advanced Subordinate Breeding Research, are they? Why? They don’t need to. Obviously.

You see, I’ve worked for years to establish pandas as a morally-upright and hard-working breed. Guys have tried to jump into my cage because I’m just soooooooo cute. Well, I showed them. Oh, I didn’t kill (I’m not a monster, you know), just gnawed on their legs for a bit. It sent a message. You don’t go jumping into a construction site to start pinching the cheeks of building contractors. Why? They’d kick your ass. Well, I want the same standard for my people. Us hard-working and conscientious folks deserve better.

But, here you go. You used our species as an amorous “pet name.” Well, buddy, I’m no pet. And, don’t try to say you were actually referring to the Red Panda. That just pisses me off. After all, Red Pandas aren’t really pandas. They are a result of breeding a raccoon with a Shih Tsu. Nothing more. You might be able to fool some pandas with that line of BS, but not this one.

I wish you’d thought about the second and third-order effects of your pet names, General. They sting me and my people worse than you may realize. We deserve better.

Finally, just so you know, a real “poppa panda” would’ve helped the young lady with her books.

Screen Shot 2013-09-09 at 10.09.09 AM
Screen capture only, not a video. Photo credit: WaPo. For archive and instructional purposes only.

Please take what I’ve said here today under advisement, and GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.