This position will remain open until filled.
Position Description: Social media and marketing guru needed. Must be able to leverage internet interoperability in order to multisource dynamic environs to absolutionize and capitalize primary and secondary marketshare. Must be capable of utilizing existing resources and emplacing cost-effective and proportionately sizable accentuated habitats in order to facilitate the growth of articulated and reticulated bloviations. Should have specific experience personifying absolutionist, but acquiesational, understanding of dynamic organizationalizations. Should also possess specific knowledge on launching Twitter and Facebook statusizational assessments deep into the awesomesauce.
- Law Degree (JD or LLB) required. Online degrees are acceptable. Must creatively imply top 5% standing in graduating class.
- Must possess bar membership in at least one state or DC. If not a member of a bar, must include a justification that addresses why bar membership is not really important and merely an exercise in test-taking ability.
- Must have practiced less than 1 year. (Note: less is better.)
- Must have graduated law school prior to 2010.
- Ability to obtain references from practicing attorneys is discouraged.
- Must possess the ability to articulate why practicing lawyers are not smart enough to understand the simple shit you do.
- Ability to become highly enraged when questioned about abilities is preferred.
- Ability to block detractors on Twitter is a coveted trait.
- Prior employment for Lexis-Nexis or Westlaw in their sales division a huge plus.
- Bring a list of conferences you wish to attend during first year of employment to the interview. If any of these conferences provide meaningful, substantive CLE credit, you will be eliminated from consideration immediately.
- Knowledge of the substantive and ethical practice of law is highly discouraged.
- A fabulous smile!
Payment on contingency only. Contingent upon satisfaction of the following factors:
- Completely abolish initial contact by callers and emailers who fit any of the following descriptions: crazy, needy, batshit crazy, wierdo, spazzy, poor, pro bono, overbearing, frumpy, grumpy, lumpy, complex, dirty, icky, particular, persnickety, elitist, dreary, petulant, know-it-all, possessing both JD and MD, difficult, sleazy, skeezy, sneezy, poor hygiene, and psycho.
- Entice clients to the office equaling $50,000 in new business each week. Failure to achieve new client goals will result in deductions for the same amount from monthly base pay.
A willingness to be paid in regular beatings and emotional abuse is preferred.