It looks like a short and frenzied campaign season, but I’m up for it. I have a robe, a few goofy hats, and a willingness to suppress progressive ideas (provided the pay is right).
Vote for me if…
You feel that the “Buddy Christ” should really be the symbol of the church.
You support my initiative to create the George Carlin Center for Religious Studies.
You would like to see the church fund a study to chronicle similarities between Jigsaw from “Saw” and the purportedly all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving god of the Old Testament.
You realize that the church isn’t against birth control or condoms, it just really digs how groovy the 70s were.
You realize that the Spanish Inquisition is the proper method for dealing with the creators and participants of reality television.
Genuflect, stand, kneel, sit, kneel, stand, sit, genuflect, stand, genuflect. You realize that this is the world’s first organized foray into crossfit.
You think the popemobile is the second most awesome vehicle ever created by man, second only to the El Camino. (I promise all of my loyal subjects a PopeCamino within the first year).
Your way of dealing with serious priest misconduct: think “Running Man” in a post-apocalyptic Vatican City.
Your idea of communion: 1 shot of Jack and a “Chicken-in-a-Biskit.” Christ never tasted this awesome.
Your support the idea of an ordained Flava Flav.