I’m Gonna Be Rich

I'm Gonna Be Rich

How could I refuse such a tempting offer to abandon my pathetic practice and become special counsel to an international business?

Luckily, I fished this out of my spam folder. Darned spam folder, it almost prevented me from becoming rich.

I look forward to reading back from them.

Speak American!

If you read the news, you can’t help but feel a bit (or a lot) jaded. That’s understandable. The stories and perspectives feel decidedly partisan. But, why is that?

It’s because the stories are written in English, not American. There’s a big difference. English is adequate for projecting facts, but it does nothing to capture the full emotion of an idea. That’s where someone who is fluent in American becomes so valuable. American tells the raw, unadulterated truth. English leaves much to interpretation. American is fully transparent.

English is communicated. American is oozed. You know, like when you get bitten on the hand by the neighbor’s chihuahua. You figure that a nip from such a small dog is not serious. Then, a few day’s later, your now-warm and red hand starts churning its own butter. That kind of ooze.

Having said that, I’m here to help. Armed with a Kansas public school education and red state idealism, I’ll set the record straight. Depending on availability of material, this may become a recurring column.

On Coaching Sports and Volunteering at Youth Activities

English: We are grateful for volunteers who coach little league, act as scout leaders, serve on the school board, and run other youth projects and activities.

American: We are grateful for volunteers who coach little league, act as scout leaders, serve on the school board, and run other youth projects and activities as long as they cater to the needs and wants of my kid(s). Otherwise, I’m going to yell at them, leave angry voicemails, and talk to other parents about the volunteer’s ignorance and incompetence. Having said that, I’m glad they do it, because I’m, like, really busy sitting in my car playing with my iPhone while they teach my kid(s) the value of hard work, life skills, and stuff I should be teaching them if there wasn’t so much stuff to watch on TV. Plus, the internet isn’t going to surf itself.

On Abortion

English: Abortion is murder.

American: Abortion is murder. This is because a child (definition extended to the fetus) is involved. We are willing to make many, many murder exceptions involving humans over the age of 18 and most people between the ages of 10-17 (if we think they are a punk). We couldn’t care less about the carbon-based incubator for the fetus child. She needs to learn to follow orders.

On Term Limits for Congress

English: Most American’s support term limits for Congress.

American: Most American’s support term limits for Congress, except the ones for whom they cast votes. My member of Congress is great, but yours sucks eggs. Term limits are designed to protect you. As for me, I can handle my own business.

On Criminal Punishment, Minimum Sentences, and the Death Penalty

English: We, as a people, support harsh punishments for crime. This is done somewhat as retribution, but mostly as a deterrent in order to protect the right to happiness of honest, god-fearing people.

American: We, as a people, support harsh punishments for crime. We would also be OK with the death penalty for even the smallest of crimes. After all, most serious criminals start by committing petty crimes. Let’s eliminate this scourge before it seriously hurts one of us. When in doubt, remember that we do it for the children. This rule should not apply when it involves one of my close family members or friends. They should be given a chance to rehabilitate themselves, even in the most serious of circumstances.

On Religion

English: Religion is a wonderful source of ethical understanding and reverence for our creator.

American: My religion is a wonderful source of ethical understanding and reverence for our creator. That shit you believe? It sucks. It is violent and will rip any civilized society to shreds if given a chance. My religion is based on stuff that you must believe through the beauty of faith. Yours is based on stuff that some nut-job invented many hundreds of years ago. My religion is a beautiful, theological tapestry. Yours is a mindless cult. But, I’ll pray for you.

On The Definition of Justice

English: Holding someone fairly accountable for their actions within the bounds of the rules of law and equity.

American: Dude, I’ve got no clue, either. Here, have another shot of this stuff I distilled in my basement.

A Summary of Internet Wisdom

After a few years of using the internet, here’s a quick summary of every viewpoint, every angle, and every affiliation.

Say what we think you should say, in the way we want you to say it, or we’ll dismiss you as unworthy of attention.

Read what we think you should read, or we’ll label you as unintelligent and uninformed.

Stand where we want you to stand, or we’ll claim you are weak.

Agree with our thoughts, or we’ll curse you as evil and unfeeling.

Surrender what we want to take, or we’ll say you lack charity.

React as we feel you should react, or we’ll dismiss you as uncaring and boorish.

Interact with those whom we approve, lest we labor for your damnation.

Take what we are willing to give, or we’ll chide you for being ungrateful.

Never question what we say, or we’ll subject you to instantaneous social exile.

No matter what we say or how we say it, we are more accepting, charitable, openminded, and tolerant than everyone else.

We only want to ensure your freedom, your happiness, and the safety of your children.

*Feel free to add “So help me, god” after any (or all) of these, if it makes you feel better.

The Value of Legal Representation

Many argue that there is plenty of work for lawyers, but not enough potential clients with the means to pay for legal services.

I disagree.

Oodles of folks have the ability to pay for legal representation, but most choose to value other things over legal services.

Based on almost 10 years of observations, here’s a list of things that seem to be valued by many, many potential clients, in relation to legal representation (from most important to least important).

  1. A Fancy Car
  2. A not-so-fancy car with $20,000 rims.
  3. A not-so-fancy car with a boomin’ sound-system and $5000 rims.
  4. A 1995 Brown Chevy Caprice Classic with $2000 rims.
  5. $2000 rims, but no car.
  6. A weekend in Cancun with unlimited alcohol.
  7. A weekend in Panama City with pay-by-the-drink alcohol.
  8. A big-ass flat-panel television (minimum 50 inches).
  9. A weekend in a crappy hotel in Gary, Indiana with two bottles of cheap alcohol.
  10. Tattoos (thanks to Texas ADA).
  11. A weekend in an average hotel in Topeka, Kansas with a bag of weed.
  12. One afternoon in a Reno, Nevada brothel.
  13. An opportunity to flirt with the female clerk working the afternoon shift at Panda Express at the southside mall.
  14. Paid access to adult internet site featuring a girl who attended their high school.
  15. A $3000 Karaoke machine.
  16. One night out at Applebees.
  17. 15 minutes of tokens for private booth at Franks Adult Emporium.
  18. Playstation 3
  19. Call of Duty Black Ops 2 for Playstation 3
  20. A $200 Karaoke machine.
  21. Blu-Ray of “Barb Wire, Extended Director’s Cut.”
  22. 2 tickets to a Lakers game.
  23. Bus ticket to see girlfriend in Shawnee, Oklahoma.
  24. Replica movie poster of Al Pacino in “Scarface.”
  25. Blingy “$” necklace.
  26. 4 tickets to see a Monster Truck show.
  27. One day at a state fair.
  28. iPad
  29. One purebred Pit Bull Terrier.
  30. iPhone
  31. One pair of the latest in-brand of jeans.
  32. One carton of Marlboros.
  33. NFL Sunday Ticket.
  34. New Baskeball Shoes.
  35. A dog (any breed).
  36. Six Pack of Beer (any brand).
  37. A Large, One-Topping Pizza from Papa John’s.
  38. One pack of Marlboros (or one can of Copenhagen).
  39. A new jacket (hunter camo pattern ONLY)
  40. A 1983 Chevrolet Chevette (not necessarily operable).
  41. One can of body spray.
  42. Glass anal beads.
  43. Legal Representation
  44. Plastic anal beads.
  45. Education
  46. Condoms