Press Release: “Legal Letter to Santa” a True Game-Changer

In a chat with my paralegal, we discussed the recent uptick of people calling with cases that are procedurally or substantively worthless. This is not to say that the potential clients are wrong. On the contrary, they are sometimes very, very right. However, their cases are often dead procedurally or lack the necessary evidence to facilitate a fighting chance. While the truth may be on their side, evidence to support the same is often missing.

English: Santa Claus with a little girl Espera...

“So I goes to this kid who owes me money, and I gives him a little reminder to his kneecap to pay me back. Now he turns snitch. Hows about a little juvenile defense for Xmas, big guy?” (Photo credit: Wikipedia. With apologies to whomever these people really are.)

Then, she had a “eureka” moment.

“Why don’t we offer to write letters to Santa for them?” she exclaimed gleefully.

“Huh?” I replied.

“You know, they have no shot with a board, or in court, so writing a letter to Santa for them has just as much of a chance of succeeding.”

At that point, it dawned on me that she was onto something.

So, without further hesitation, we are proud to offer our Legal Letter to Santa service.

Recognizing that SantaLaw is woefully underrepresented in the legal market, we emerged as industry leaders and are widely known as the go-to law firm for all SantaLaw cases.

From a recent press release that we might send to FORBES, CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, and the NEW YORK TIMES:

Most people with seemingly-hopeless legal cases fail to recognize that, if it is close to December, they can seek relief by writing a letter to Santa using existing SantaLaw precedent. Sadly, many people are unsure where to start or lack the skills to write a good, legal letter to Santa. Some lack access to applicable SantaLaw regulations. That’s why we’re here. We bring proven industry success to the table. As past-believers of Santa who, as children, occasionally saw success in receiving the things we wished-for, we have the inside track with his offices and can negotiate a favorable outcome. It may just be some warm wishes or festive platitudes, but try to get those same things from a Federal District Court Judge. Something is always better than nothing, and we are here to try to get our clients more than nothing.

What do you get with this service? I’m glad you asked.

  • Passionate, aggressive yuletide-specific representation.
  • A one page, grammatically correct letter to the big guy at the North Pole. (More pages are available for an additional charge per page plus hourly fees.)
  • Postage is included! (Delivery confirmation or signature service for an additional fee)
  • Certified SantaLaw Specialists.
  • Correct and up-to-date legal citations.
  • Ample justification to get you past the naughty vs. nice procedural hump.
  • We utilize our knowledge of Santa’s agency to penetrate layer upon layer of elf bureaucracy standing between you and the fat man.
  • As former believers in Santa, we have first-hand knowledge of the process and personnel in his agency. In short, we have the inside track.
  • Reasonable fees (relative to the price you just paid for that Coby Tablet Computer for your soon-to-be-disappointed teenager).
  • As recognized Santa thought-leaders, you know you are getting the very best from proven industry game-changers. We put some Awesome into Advent.
  • We GUARANTEE that you will have the same chance of receiving relief from Santa as you would in Federal District, State District, government administrative board, or appellate court, or your money back.

Have a very Merry Legal Xmas.

Please note: We will not provide the same service at Easter regarding the Easter Bunny. That would be silly. It’s a fucking rabbit. We’re not shysters, you know.