Justice Underground

I’ve already stated that I hate the word justice. It is a mushy word, devoid of concrete and universal meaning. In that respect, it serves no useful role in educated discussion. Yet, people persist.

With it’s perpetual inclusion in conversations about how we should frame and model or society comes the inevitable symbols of justice. Males, especially, are very visual people, always looking for a way to visualize and visually depict thoughts and ideas.

Hence, the invention of lady justice. You’ve seen her many times. Blindfolded. Comely. Combative, yet playful and lithe. Displaying fairness in a way that is unique and personal to each viewer. She is, in short, everything you want her to be.

Check her out, in statuary.

How about a drawing?

How about a tattoo? It’s always OK to get a tattoo of your favorite gal, right?

How about with everyone’s favorite former Attorney General, John Ashcroft? Apparently, she saw his speech as an occasion to don a dress she’s been saving for a really special occasion.

The fact is that depictions of lady justice is to legal venues what this picture was to wartime aircraft.

Sure, you can argue with me and claim that it is artistic and beautiful and symbolic and…..well……all the usual excuses. If you do, you’re the same guy who claims to read Playboy for the articles. You keep telling yourself that, and that Hooters has great wings.

It’s time we moved into the next phase of legal symbolism and knick-knackery. After all, this is no longer a male-dominated profession. We now share it with our more sensible and less-visual counterparts.

The next symbol should be truthful. It should apply equally to all. It should be something we all can understand, not just something that somebody lauds as artistic with no discernible or concrete meaning.

Therefore, with great pleasure, I give you…….

Chance the Law Mole

Here he is again.

And again, in a more risque’ pose.

He’s perfect, if I do say so myself. Everything about the law is reflected in his furry mug. I should know, I had the opportunity to hold him.

Here’s why (feel free to substitute the words “law” or “justice” in the place of “Chance.”):

  • Chance stays just below the surface and is inaccessible to most people. While you know he is there, you can’t see him. You just see the damage that Chance does. The longer you watch, the more damage occurs.
  • Chance can take a perfectly beautiful lawn and rip it to shreds.
  • You may find Chance occasionally, but only after he’s done considerable damage.
  • Chance breeds at an amazing rate. You might find Chance occasionally, but finding his throngs of offspring is virtually impossible. Yet, they can hurt you as much as Chance.
  • Chance’s reproduction results in an ever-expanding population, harder for reasonable people to control.
  • Chance annoys everyone familiar with him.
  • Those who have never had to deal with Chance in their lawn think it is cruel to say that Chance should be killed. This changes if Chance comes to their law or the lawn of someone close and dear to them.
  • The people who advocate the most for chance like to say that he is a beautiful and necessary part of nature, aerating the soil and eating pesky insects. None of them consider the collateral damage that is done while accomplishing these tasks. Chance’s proponents will say that the collateral damage is merely an isolate result, and the aeration of soil and eating of insects helps the greater good.
  • Advocating to protect cute, furry Chances can get you votes. So does advocating for cuddly-wuddly Chances to multiply and thrive. However, nobody who wants to become elected would dare to advocate for crushing Chance under the heel of a boot. That would make you evil.
  • If you grab Chance and try to study him, he will try to bite you. If he bites you, you could get a disease. If you get the disease, you could die. That’s just the way it is. Chance isn’t always fair.
  • If you try to hold Chance close to you, he will, undoubtedly, find an inopportune moment to urinate and/or defecate upon you.
  • Chance is most concerned with consuming things and the survival of its species. Anything else is seen as superfluous to Chance.
  • Chance will destroy anything in his path. No matter how beautiful. No matter how loved. No matter how necessary or useful. Chance will do what chance has to do.
  • Try as you might, you will never fully understand Chance.

So, go get yourself a painting of Chance, or a statue. Advocate for his likeness to be placed in the foyer of the courthouse. See if Alabama will consider it in lieu of the 10 Commandments.

People may not like it, but at least they’ll know you understand that, in the end, the law is nothing more than a game…

…of Chance.