Baked Beans Marketing

So, then I says to Earl, “Earl, how do you think we can sell all these damned baked beans?”

He pondered it for a second. Then, we both looked at each other with the same knowing expression.

After one trip out-back and 30 minutes of stacking, we were done.

What is the moral of this story? Some of you lawyers display the same level of care and intellect in your office marketing schemes. Humorous? Yeah, maybe. Disturbing? You bet.

*Picture taken by me in the Commissary (military grocery store) at Ft. Knox, Kentucky. Rights reserved (whatever the hell they are).

UPDATE: Just so you know. This groceryiffic display has three key elements:

  1. Baked Beans
  2. An Outhouse
  3. A banner encouraging you to “Celebrate.”


Bill Nye – Driving The Caddy, With Science

Occasionally, I have cases that I sell with logic. Science, if you will. I trust that my arguments are more logical and reasonable than my opponent’s.

Similarly, I have some cases that I try to sell with far flung ideas that rely upon faith–the ability to connect two unconnected things with a hunch or unproven theory. Occasionally, the hunches and theories used to facilitate connections are borderline insane. I gotta do what I gotta do in the interest of representing clients.

For the former, I welcome logical, scientific thinkers as jurors who will analyze the facts in a cold, calculating, logical fashion.

For the latter, I’m looking for true believers. Scientists need not apply.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that scientists are wrong for the latter. They might be completely right, from a certain perspective. They just aren’t good for my case.

Even when I’d rather they stay home from jury duty, I tip my hat to their abilities and perseverance.

So, here’s to my favorite scientist of the day for being a true teacher–smart, learned, and gutsy. To say something like this in today’s social climate, you’re every bit a man in my book. Bill can drive the caddy at his will and pleasure.

It’s All In The Timing

My clients come from all different backgrounds. Each has a decidedly unique case with equally unique considerations and priorities. However, some things are still the same between all of them. Regardless of the type of case, the  client, their professional status, or their financial situation, they fall into several categories with respect to timing–the moment at which they choose to seek counsel.

Early Risers: As soon as they smell the slightest hint of investigation or administrative/nonjudicial/judicial action, they call. They know they need someone who knows the process and options, and they want to make fully educated decisions. They give us time and, more importantly, opportunities. Wonderful folks, these early risers. You eagerly accept such astute and thoughtful clients.

Papers-In-Hand Congregation: These potential clients were in denial during the investigation, but now they have something in writing saying “We’re thinking about doing something bad to you, you have X days to respond.” They call while sitting in their car after having the papers served upon them. This isn’t a horrible situation for a lawyer. After all, there is time, just not as much as you’d want in a perfect world. In general, we give these clients the benefit of the doubt. Not wonderful, but OK. You smile and accept their case.

First Hearing Crew: The most serious adverse actions have some sort of preliminary or initial hearing. The same goes for some administrative matters. Members of this crew realize their predicament after stumbling-through the first legal proceeding. They are stunned, realizing that they and/or their appointed counsel are completely outgunned by the well-resourced government team. We sympathize with members of this crew, but we also chastise them for wasting a great opportunity for discovery and its bargaining chip status. These calls make you a bit red in the face, but nothing severe.

11th Hour Posse: The call is both amusing and alarming. It arrives late on Friday. “Sir, I am facing trial for _____. My lawyer hasn’t called any witnesses. He won’t call me back, and I don’t know what is going on.” I inquire, “When does your trial start?” They reply, “Monday, Sir.” I truly feel for these pathetic souls, but I’d consider myself incompetent to represent them given the dearth of time to prepare. I wish them well, but I also wish them goodbye. These calls give you a slight headache and uneasy feeling in your gut.

The Appellaters: These guys know they were screwed–by their lawyer, the prosecutor, the judge, the jury, the court reporter, their mom, and the janitor. Trial already came and went. Now, they need someone to unscrew the trial. They just know that, if they appeal their case to an appeals court, they will win. They believe an appeal to be a retrial. They become irate when you tell them that it is not. Someone told them that zealous argument by prosecutors creates harmful error. After the call, you suffer severe headaches.

The Geriatric Appellaters: These are the same as The Appellaters, but at least 20 years elapsed between conviction/appeal and their call to you. They tout new evidence that, when considered by the court, will easily overturn the conviction. The evidence? A statement, written by them. As a lawyer, you sigh and try to gingerly extricate yourself from the call. A significant percentage of these also suffer from federal agents following them to the supermarket, the NSA bugging of residences, and a host of other conspiracies. After the call, you consider suicide.

Is This Really What We Expect?

Do we really expect our high schools to create hordes of one-trick-ponies?

Recent conversation between a friend and I:


Friend: I heard the high school football games here are cool, you should come with us.

Me: I’ll already be there. My son plays.

Friend: Really?

Me: Yes, he starts on offense at tackle. He played every down in the first game.

Friend: But, I thought he played clarinet.*

Me: …


*Yes, he does play clarinet, and baritone saxophone, and bass guitar, and rhythm guitar, in addition football and baseball. He also scored a 33 on the ACT. I find that none of these things exclude the others.

That’s My State, And My Law School

Chad Gaddie is always quick to remind me of dubious honors achieved by my Kansas peeps, especially those who matriculated from the University of Kansas. He, being a University of Missouri graduate, must dedicate part of his workday to such endeavors.

Today, he hit a seam of Mizzou fan gold–courtesy of Congressman Kevin Yoder, KU undergrad and law alum. Via wikipedia:

In August 2012, it was reported that during a fact-finding trip to Israel, estimated to have cost $20,000 and funded by the American Israel Educational Foundation, a group related to AIPAC, the pro-Israel lobbying group, Yoder, after a night of dining and drinking in a Tiberias restaurant, stripped naked and dived into the Sea of Galilee in front of other members of Congress, along with their families, and staffers.[17][18] In a statement to Politico, Yoder confirmed the report, and apologized to his constituents for any embarrassment he might have caused. The FBI investigated the incident to see if any inappropriate behavior occurred, but no formal allegations have been made.

But, really, who wouldn’t want to swim naked in the Sea of Galilee, especially if you were voted one of the “Hottest Freshmen in Congress?” Am I right? Of course I’m right.

On a related note, I’m pleased to know that the FBI is spending time and resources to investigate this matter.

An aside: It should also be noted, given UA’s recent decision to profile some of the more noteworthy voters in America, that Congressman Yoder holds both a vote as a citizen and as a member of Congress.

Potential Voter Profile of the Day: Mamie Sonnier

It’s about time to start profiling the type of people who are eligible to vote in the upcoming election. They offer a rallying cry, with their intrepid wills, firm beliefs, and unquestionable logical skills.

Today, we salute Mamie Sonnier for her firm stance against the biblical beast. (Note: the video at this link is mandatory for all readers).

How do we know about her? Sadly, the Moss Bluff, Louisiana school her child attends decided to utilize bio-scan technology in order to expedite the lunch processing for more than 1000 kids in the district. This particular scanner is called a “palm-vein scanner,” utilizing infrared technology to check the vein layout of the scanee to make an accurate identification. The technology is designed to facilitate more accurate billing and tracking for the crowded district. Principal Caldarera addressed the need for the new system:

“We are so large,” said Caldarera. “With an elementary school, they all come through line, and most of them eat here. It would make us more efficient and more accurate. We’ve had parents complain in the past, because they felt like their children weren’t eating, that we assigned them a charge for the day, and they might have been right.”

Ms. Sonnier knows better.

“As a Christian, I’ve read the Bible, you know go to church and stuff,” said Sonnier. “I know where it’s going to end up coming to, the mark of the beast. I’m not going to let my kids have that.”

Huh? Well, OK. I’ve watched “Deliverance,” you know go to WalMart and stuff. So what’s the deal?

Luckily, C-Net did some investigating to find an answer as to the problem with scanning palms for vein layouts. It appears to be from Revelations:

If anyone worships the beast and its image and receives his mark on the forehead or on their hand, they, too, will drink of the wine of God’s fury, which has been poured full strength into the cup of his wrath. They will be tormented with burning sulfur in the presence of the holy angels and of the Lamb.

It appears from the first linked story that she is not the only appalled and enraged parent.

So, there you go, one of the many fine, accomplished, and insightful potential voters for this fall’s election. Happy polling!

Oh, one more thing (H/T to friend-of-Unwashed-Advocate Columbo), just remember this the next time you choose to deride other religions for their crazy, illogical, faith-based interpretations.