I’m Bored Today, And They Pissed Me Off

Today, I received an Information/Notice of Violation from the City of St. Louis, Photo Enforcement Program. Evidently, while enjoying a lazy Sunday in Kentucky, I was also not stopping fully before a right turn in St. Louis.

I replied as follows (H/T to Eric Turkewitz, who I paraphrase in paragraph 9)(actual plate numbers removed to protect the asshole driving the Ford):

City of St. Louis – B110061

Photo Enforcement Program

PO Box 790324

St. Louis, MO 63179-0324

July 28. 2012

RE: Attachment to Affidavit of Non-Responsibility

To whom it may concern:

Today, I received an Information/Notice of Violation #(number omitted). It is based on a photo taken by your “Photo Enforcement Program.” The purpose of this attachment is to inform you that I will not pay the $100 fine you assessed upon me. I am innocent.

I admit that I do drive a 2012 Subaru Outback with Missouri Plate *****A. I am guilty of driving this vehicle. It is enjoyable to drive, full of utility, and safe.

However, I ask that you admit that the vehicle in the photo is a Ford with Missouri Plate *****K. Please notice that the last digit of the photographed plate is a “K.” The last digit of my innocent plate is “A.” I do not own a Ford. More precisely, I do not own the pictured Ford, nor have I ever owned it.

Also, the emblem affixed to the back of the guilty vehicle is the same horizontal blue oval with script “Ford” used by that company since 1927. Ford Motor Company used the same logo, minus the blue color, as early as 1912. It is time-honored and easily recognizable by the vast majority of Americans.

On the other hand, my car features the Subaru oval-with-6-stars, used since 2005. While the color is similar, the difference between the script Ford lettering and 6-star-pattern is unmistakable, and the Subaru oval is noticeably fatter.

Further, on the date of alleged violation, I was not in St. Louis. I was, in fact, in Kentucky, sweating in the northern Kentucky heat. Though, I’m quite sure the heat there in St. Louis has not been any better. I hope you’ll agree that similarities in weather patterns is hardly circumstantial evidence enough to prove guilt in this case.

As proof of my innocence, I ask that you scrutinize the picture associated with my file and used to this point to charge me with a violation of the law. The picture is already in your possession. You will find that it confirms my assertion, though I do ask that you obtain your own Subaru logo image if a comparison of Ford and Subaru trademarks is necessary. One may be obtained from a cursory search of the internet or from the friendly folks at Dean Team Subaru, Manchester Road, Ballwin, MO (a suburb of St. Louis). If you go there, ask for Rick Cody, who sold me my Subaru. I’m sure he would also be happy to show you their current inventory of fine automobiles.

Further, I notice that Craig K. Higgins signed the Information/Notice of Violation after affirming that “undersigned prosecutor charges the defendant and informs the court that above facts are true and punishable by fine of $100.00.” As an officer of the court, licensed attorney since 1991, and public servant, Mr. Higgins owes everyone subject to his authority a duty of care. Assuming he initiated this charging decision after viewing the evidence, he has not performed his duty faithfully.

It is also possible that Mr. Higgins would assert that the Information/Notice of Violation is an automated process for which he has little daily interaction. Assuming this, and as a person currently subject to his authority, I ask that he be informed that delegating his duties to a computerized system means that he delegates his ethics to the same system. How is it ethical to file charges without first scrutinizing the evidence?

The same goes for Officer Kenneth Callmeyer, Badge 2747, who is the responsible officer for this ticket and who, I assume, forwards it to the prosecutor for appropriate action after ensuring that the contents of the citation are true and accurate.

I know both Mr. Higgins and Officer Callmeyer are probably hardworking individuals, but mistakes like this are unnecessary and absorb time and resources from both the innocent citizen and your government.

Citizens deserve the best from our civil servants, and this matter falls well-short of that standard.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to receiving confirmation of the dismissal of this matter (with prejudice) and hope that I am not subjected to a computer-generated arrest warrant.

Kind regards,

Eric

PS. I’ll overlook the fact that this cost me a piece of multipurpose Xerox paper as well as first class postage. Frankly, I am willing to throw a few cents at our financially-challenged Postal Service if it will help.

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8 thoughts on “I’m Bored Today, And They Pissed Me Off

  1. Dear Sir:

    We are in receipt of your letter. A warrant has been issued for your arrest. Surrender immediately or we will send out the Lenz Bearcat for you. We know where you live.

    Sincerely,
    Form Response 1794k
    Photo Enforcement Unit

    • I want to fight this, unless they allow me to ride in the Bearcat a la Dukakis in 1988.

      Now, I just need a lawyer who will answer my calls and answer “just a few questions.”

  2. Dear Sir.

    In regards to your posted letter, I (Computer Operated Police Plebe Injustice Generator, herinafter referred to as “COPPIG”) am hereby ordering a predator drone strike of your house, which has been constitutionally authorized under due proccess by means of an automated vetting system used by POTUS. This vetting system has unerringly identified you as a “terrorist”, a “dissenter”, and as a “danger to the computer overlords”. Thank you for cooperating by not fleeing your house.

    Signed : COPPIG Auto Response Form #0051

  3. Dear Sir:
    We have reviewed your letter and supporting evidence. We have made an error, for which we apologize. A closer examination of the photograph reveals the vehicle to be a white Cadillac DeVille. Due to the expenditure of public funds involved in investigating and prosecuting this matter, we will be impounding your Cadillac. Although we do not expect to fully recover our costs when we auction this vehicle, it has come to our attention that you have distinguished yourself (i.e., 1980 Jefferson County Fair Top Tomato Project) and we will close our file upon completion of the sale and the end of time.
    We don’t like troublemakers around here,
    Your NSA

  4. Reminds me…
    I once got a letter from an investigator from one of the major oil companies informing me that a car with my license plate # had been identified with a theft of gas from a station in N. Carolina. I replied that:
    a) I’ve never been in N. Carolina
    b) I had sold that car 3 years previous
    and
    c) That license plate was in fact in a box in my garage. (I checked)

  5. Eric, had same thing happen to me. I’m in the military, stationed in Texas, but vehicle registered in Missouri. Got notice with info on my blue Dodge caravan (which ironically I had sold 2 months prior to the red light photo), but in the photo is a red Dodge Durango with a very blurry license plate blow-up. Fired off a letter via certified mail with all sorts of proof plus checked the ‘not responsible’ block on the form. I know they got my letter because I got the return receipt. I just got a second notice in the mail today with the court date highlighted. What happened in your case, did they drop it or did they keep hassling you?

    thanks,
    Shane

    • I had to provide a copy of my Subaru registration. Then, they didn’t tell me that they dropped my case. It isn’t their policy to notify you when they drop cases.

      I can’t make this up.

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