Holiday Traditions

I’ve always loved the holiday season for the various traditions shared by my family. They’ve evolved through the years. Many that existed when I was young have since died. Others began when I became an adult.

As a kid, I was forced to sit and endure political conversations. Most of them revolved around a consensus about “Commies,” how our country spends too much money, or other topics popular in WWII generation circles.

Now that I’m an adult, I’ve been granted a license to contribute to the discussions, though often to the chagrin of my Fox-News-lovin’ relatives.

For the last few seasons, one traditional conversation ensues. It begins and ends the same each year.

Here’s how it goes.

1. A relative begins by talking about how this country needs to get tougher on terrorists and how they love GITMO, indefinite detention, roadblocks for disgusting defense attorneys, etc.

2. I reply that indefinite detention, tripped representation, and the like are certainly in violation of our Constitution.

3. This is where they get me. They reply that our Constitution does not apply to those scum.

4. I’ll reply something like, “Oh yeah, I forgot, they’re not citizens or residents on US soil, so the Constitution doesn’t apply.”

5. They sit back, admiring the masterpiece they created in showing that stupid lawyer that he isn’t such a smarty pants after all.

6. Then, I say something about how the Constitution and it’s Bill of Rights were just made up by James Madison, Ben Franklin, and their drinking buddies.

7. “NO!” they reply angrily. Our rights are god-given. God intended for us to have those rights (and he somehow sent the memo to the founding fathers).

8. I reply, “So, god is a pro-American biased prick who makes rules that help us but don’t apply to the rest of the human race?”

9. They seethe and eventually reply with some cheap joke about lawyers.

This allows me two benefits. First, I pissed-them-off, which is always fun sport among family members. Second, they refrain from bothering me until the next holiday season.

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6 thoughts on “Holiday Traditions

    • They key to deep-fat-frying a turkey is to make sure it is completely frozen when you drop it in the oil. Try this, then send me the video.

  1. This post cracked me up. I took a break from the mind-numbing task of bar prep and decided to get caught up on your blog. Great decision on my part, you’ve got the best sense of humor.

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