Lawyer Bios

Red Dragon (film)
You might write your bio a bit differently if you watch this movie. Image via Wikipedia

OK, last week I read lawyer correspondence for the closing salutations.

This week, I love the lawyer bio.

Oh, they’re fun. There are so many gosh darned, good looking, passionate, in-tune, high-flying, premier, prestige, upscale, forward-thinking, plugged-in, personal, networked, hard-hitting, in-your-face, upwardly scaled, thought leading, war fighting, goat roping, warrior ethos, turbo charged, well-tailored lawyers out there. I’m just beside myself with joy. But, I’m not really looking at the adjectives.

I want to know hobbies, and families.

I love it. You’ve all seen something similar to this, by my friend Cody Clapp.

Cody loves spending time with his lovely wife Cheryl and their four kids Cody Jr., Clarisse, Christopher, and Cumquat. They also have a dog (Chihuahua/German Shepherd mix) named Liquesbawles (Licky for short). In his free time, Cody loves sports, reading, and building models of the Battleship Maine (after the explosion).

I have a quick question about this, and I’ll put it very simply. Why the hell does anyone need to know this?!

Did you ever notice that every lawyer with a bio seems to love sports? Owing to the fact that Cody is morbidly obese, one must assume that his love for sports is limited to watching on his 90 inch television while laboring for every breath.

In addition to sports, there’s always some intellectual pursuit, like reading, opera, or admiring a personal Robert Maplethorpe collection. We must feel it is necessary to put that intellectual tidbit in there just to let our potential clients know that we’re hunky-dory with the intellectual practice of law. Heaven forbid they see us as one of those mouth-breather lawyers.

Then, there’s the family. Gotta show the family census to include the pets. Why is this? Why do you need to advertise? Even more, why would you want to advertise this if you are a Criminal Defense Attorney? Have you not thought about who will be checking-out your stats? Why does anyone give a damn about Fluffy? Or Max? Have you not seen the movie “Red Dragon?” Same goes for those who put their family census on the back of the minivan. What purpose does it serve? All it does is help us to tally points.

Finally, there’s the tedious hobby. Model building. Gerbil training. Cross stitch. Somehow, we feel the need to demonstrate the ability to accomplish some tedious task.

But, really, the only thing tedious is reading all the superfluous crap in your bio. Stick with what you do, why you do it, and experience you have. That’s all any of us want to know.

Well, except for the Red Dragon. He wants to know everything.

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6 thoughts on “Lawyer Bios

  1. From my linked in profile …
    “Interests: flying, things that fly, and dogs that can catch things that fly.”

    I wish I could report that my Yorkie was a champion Frisbee catcher — as undoubtedly that would bring more business my way — but sadly that whole thing didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. Either the dog was too small or the Frisbee’s were too big, not sure which. But she sure bites the crap out of them after they land … maybe I should add that to my linked in profile. “Has a vicious Yorkie that bites the crap out of things.”

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