Boilerplate Response for the Straightjacket Crowd

This week, my office phone tasted all flavors of craziness (and we’re only 2/5 of the way through the workweek). Something is definitely in the air.

I try to be compassionate, often going out of my way to do so. Most have legitimate mental illnesses and ailments. Some are merely delusional. Others are absolute idiots/jerks. How can you tell the difference? It’s difficult, but it is a function of persistence, genuineness, and rudeness.

Today, one pegged-out our office idiot/jerk scale. We declined an individual’s case and referred him to several free veteran services. The case sucked, and I think he’d have wasted his money to hire an attorney to go attack windmills. He responded with anger toward the office, my paralegal, and the law profession.

I can handle people whizzing-up my leg. I just change my pants and go on with the day. I can also handle disparaging remarks about the legal profession. It happens all the time, and to many we are a bunch of money-grubbing shysters. However, if you start abusing folks that help me on a day-to-day basis, I get pissed.

So, I have made a short, stock answer for these individuals.

Thank you for considering my law office for your legal maladies. Having you talk at us today was an absolute delight. However, we lack the resources to purchase the volumes of aluminum foil necessary to fashion a suitable hat for your big head.

We believe you when you say that you are a member of Mensa and invented particle physics, and you’ve made it abundantly clear that, if it weren’t for the government screwing you over, you’d be President, CEO of Apple Computer, heavyweight champ of the world, and proprietor of a high-class brothel in Reno.

Really, we do.

We know that your case is an “easy one” that is guaranteed to win and vault me from lowly lawyer to Chief Justice. Your words and statements are all the evidence we need.

We also realize that you feel entitled to our services, gratis. The disgust you displayed when you were quoted a fee let us know that we should accept the honor of serving you as generous payment. Calling us “filthy ungrateful civilian scum” and “unpatriotic money-grubbers” solidified your point.

However, we are clearly not worthy of your upscale status in society, and you deserve the absolute best for your “easy-winner” case. After all, you told us so.

In any event, we appreciated your monologue. You were a real day-brightener.

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