The Two Justice System

Jurassic Attack, based on a triceratops
Can we please focus public dollars on the more important things in life? Image via Wikipedia

If you consider what is written in the media and couple that with the experiences of CDLs with clients and their families, you see that the American public supports the construction two separate, yet coexisting, systems of justice.

1. The Fair and Compassionate System.

Available to: Themselves, Family Members, and Close Acquantances.

This is a system devoid of unfair practices and minimum sentences. It gives the accused a fair trial, the right to at least one very quality lawyer, and the chance to block all perceived unfair evidence from being produced and considered. This system gives huge rewards to first-time offenders, and it considers heavily the opportunity for a second (and even third and fourth) chance. It weighs factors from throughout the accused’s life and crafts the minimum sentence necessary to correct the wrongdoing and afford maximum chances at future success. Community service is preferred over incarceration. It understands that, for many, they’ve already learned a valuable lesson before trial begins. Victim rights/perspectives are considered, but, let’s face it, the trial is really about the guy/gal on trial. Appeals are automatically granted by all courts, and their main purpose is to reconsider the weight of evidence. Accused individuals and their families are allowed to communicate with the appellate authorities ex parte, and the appellate procedure is completely non-adversarial. Communicating a belief in christian ideals is considered proof of innocence.

2. The System For Everyone We Don’t Know/Don’t Give a Crap About.

Available to: Everyone Else (especially people we don’t personally know, the poor, and those whose cases are covered by mass media).

Trial occurs at the discretion of the prosecutor–but only if they feel like going through the trouble. This decision to waste time with a trial is often crowd sourced. Guilt is assigned at the moment of suspicion. The Death Penalty applies to all offenses, even jaywalking. Appeals are strictly forbidden. Any costs are assessed by selling the property of the accused and their extended family. Summary executions are allowed in NFL stadiums and can be purchased via pay-per-view. Proceeds fund monster truck racing and memorials on public grounds featuring a large christian cross as a centerpiece.

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4 thoughts on “The Two Justice System

  1. You forgot a few features of system 1: there’s no such thing as harmless error, you can put in new evidence on appeal, you can advocate theories on appeal directly contrary to what was advocated at your trial.

    1. Absolutely. You know, the best laws are those that evolve with changing times. They allow for constant improvement and refinement. You’ve just proven that System 1 is simply wonderful. Frankly, I find your suggested amendments to be completely beyond reproach. Approved.

      At the same time, you must apply converse principles to System 2. Any allegation of mistake or miscue is, at worst, harmless error, additional evidence is strictly prohibited once charges are contemplated, and appeals are just silly and a waste of time and money.

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