Eternal Thanks to Courtesans and Loose Women of Philadelphia

Robert R. Livingston

Why do they all look so calm? The answer is elementary. Image via Wikipedia

Happy Constitution Day!

Yeah, I’m late. I know. If you have a problem with this, leave a lengthy comment at Simple Justice. Please write in all caps and refrain from using paragraph breaks.

However, it is never too late to give thanks. On Constitution Day, lots of people thank Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, and others.

Not me. Those guys get enough thanks, and they hardly deserve all of it.

Instead, I’m going to thank those who really worked for the 4 months, 3 days that the who’s-who of colonial gentlemen converged upon Philadelphia to create a plan for governance.

Therefore, I thank, quite enthusiastically, the courtesans and loose women of Philadelphia. Their efforts, diligence, and high esprit-de-corps are a testament to the strength of our nation and its peoples.

Undoubtedly, the Constitutional Convention (May 14 to September 17, 1787) was a long, laborious, and stressful time for everyone. There were arguments, lots of writing, and philosophical disagreements. All of this occurred in large, brick buildings with no air conditioning. Today, no problem. We’d just arrive wearing t-shirts, shorts, and flip flops. Not those guys. They wore fancy duds by today’s standards–wool, tailored, and layered. Upon a careful historical analysis, I also ascertained that Right Guard Corporation did not exist at the time. All of this paints a picture of sweaty, smelly misery.

But none of the misery encountered by those inside the debate hall compares with the experiences of those who provided comfort to the men at the end of the workday. Their’s was a dirty job for which not even the Discovery Channel would seek an episode.

Sure, most of the men were married, but for anyone who has ever attended a convention or CLE, you know that this matters little for men seeking to focus on their work and perform well. Just think of the old senior-partner at your firm who, after the first night of the 3-night CLE, started exchanging knowing glances with the young, nubile junior associate. You know what was happening, and to think it didn’t happen several score ago is naive.

Never forget that the constitution was drafted 100% by men at a “convention.” That’s really all you need to know to understand that, while revered for their work-product, they were still human and imperfect in time-honored ways.

After long, tense days, these women provided comfort and relaxation to the men, giving them the strength and willpower to continue to the bitter end. Through the long, hot summer, the ladies worked tirelessly, and they deserve our thanks.

So, we thank you, lady who ran your fingers through Hamilton’s ample curls. You provided the man with the inspiration to write, and write well.

We thank you, ladies who encouraged Franklin to “invent.” You put-up with his incessant pleas to try new things, involve more women, and new devices–all while being dumpy and balding.

We thank you, dominatrix who bound and whipped Madison night after night. Without Dolly there to fasten the buckles and bind hands and feet, little James worried about his ability to stay on top of his game for an entire summer. You stepped-in with aplomb, and the safety word you gave to him to utter in moments of peril will live in infamy–habeas corpus.

We thank you, woman able to overlook Washington’s wooden teeth. Crest wasn’t popular then, and our thanks comes from the pity we feel for the halitosis you endured on a nightly basis.

We thank you, lady who endured getting a “bill of rights” every night from George Mason. He arrived each evening pissed-off about the inability of the crew to add a few simple individual rights, and you calmed him every time.

And we thank you, lady who provided comfort to Jacob Broom. He was a nobody, even at the convention, but you made him feel like a somebody, and special.

We can argue about morality and appropriateness, but it doesn’t change the tangible and real effect that these women had upon the convention. Without them, the delegates would have scurried home after the first humid summer day. Instead, they persevered, and created, and endured. All because of you, young ladies.

And, with that, we thank you. You made this country livable and able to evolve with changing times. You calmed the convention and gave them focus. Without you, it is quite possible that we were but one well-timed orgasm from a monarchy or dictatorship, and that deserves enduring thanks from a grateful nation.

5 thoughts on “Eternal Thanks to Courtesans and Loose Women of Philadelphia

    • Amended, for historical accuracy (aside from the stuff I blatantly fabricated).

      Darned barefooters. Always catching my mistakes.

      I really meant Hamilton. Really. Or, at least that’s the story to which I’m sticking.

      Great to have you. Come by anytime. Just wipe your feet at the door.

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