Fashion for the Unwashed Advocate

I’m not good with fashion. Just ask any of my female colleagues. So, now and then I need a little help. I admit my status as an unwashed advocate.

Today, it is easy to seek help by using online polls. How generous of the cybersphere to give me such a wonderful tool. Now, you’ll be able to help me make wardrobe choices and perhaps even vote for strategy in future cases. The possibilities are endless with online polls, and they are accurate 87% of the time. Of course, 67% of all statistics are made-up by the person touting them.

My first dilemma:

Some of you may not be familiar with each option. So, I’ve included examples below. After all, I want you to make an informed and educated decision for me.

The Regular Tie. Boring, yet timeless. But boring.

The Skinny 80s tie. You can’t go wrong with a little extra aerodynamics.

The Skinny 80’s tie (leather). It says you’re bad, yet aerodynamic. (Warning: May not be well-received in the deep south–especially paired with a matching leather suitcoat). I have no idea what the collar to collar bling is in this picture, but I’m diggin’ it, and I know you are, too.

Wide Tie with Double Windsor. If you can see shirt, you’re wrong.

Bowtie. There are academics. There are non-academics. There are academics who wear bow ties. There are non-academics who attempt to look academic by wearing a bow tie. Then, there’s me. I do it for the ladies.

Bolo Tie. For those Texans whose childhood jeans restricted testicular growth, there is the Bolo Tie. Bolo Tie with rhinestones or turquoise are a bonus. In the shape of a cow skull, absolutely priceless.

Ascot. Making men look extra sensitive for centuries, the Ascot is always a fantastic option. Need a warm neck? Ascot. Need to hide those hickies? Ascot. Need a napkin? Ascot. Out of diapers? Ascot.

Open Collar (with carpet revealed). Mostly popular in Westchester County, NY, but also with ladies worldwide. A thick gold chain is the cherry on this sundae.

Turtleneck. If George Steinbrenner pulled this one off, by god, you can too. As an extra bonus, check out those pants. You think maybe my mom put me in a pair of those polyester Fingerhut beauties? Kids nowadays have no idea of the pain and cruelty…

Turtleneck (with medallion). This one says you’re the boss, and you’ve got principles. 18 karat principles. Throw one of these loosely over your turtleneck, and you tell the world that you are a force with which to be reckoned. Bling is never out of favor.

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6 thoughts on “Fashion for the Unwashed Advocate

  1. Step 1. Download How to Tie a Tie iPhone app.
    Step 2. Select any knot other than Full Windsor, Atlantic or Diagonal.
    Step 3. Read instructions.
    Step 4. Tie knot.
    Step 5. Admire self in mirror.
    Step 6. Win case.

    1. See, and now you are a leg-up on your peers in law school. The same applies for law school finals and the bar.

      Your peers will be researching caselaw, preparing for objections, orchestrating arguments, and working on evidentiary foundations. You’ll walk in a cool and snappily dressed opponent, and you’ll win.

      In the end, they’ll wonder what went wrong. As for you, you’ll know exactly why you won, and there’s power in that knowledge.

      1. Someone once told me the following: “if you look good, you feel good; if you feel good, you do good; so all that really matters is looking good.” Seemed like circular BS, but then I began to notice that that lots of times when a person looked put together and seemed like they knew what they were doing, people didn’t pay much attention to the substance of whatever they were actually doing/saying.

      2. See, that’s why I personally choose the turtleneck with medallion. In it, I feel lithe…..and mysterious. I think it shows. When you look at me in that getup, you think “Why would someone wear such an awful outfit….wait…..I bet he’s one of those guys who really knows what he’s doing.”

        It works every time.

  2. There are some subjects best kept between men and women named Otto. You never see a Depends commercial for men, do you? Accident? I think not. If you’re unsure about this, please check with Cernovich before posting for a declaratory judgment.

  3. Through this poll, I’ve been able to gauge my level of readership. 9 people have voted. Based on that, I assume I have 9 regular readers. This is up from 5 prior to Christmas. So, in the last quarter, I’ve improved my regular readership by 80%. That’s a big percentage and an impressive number to put on my resume’.

    Feel free to be impressed.

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