Speak American!

January 18, 2013 § 4 Comments

If you read the news, you can’t help but feel a bit (or a lot) jaded. That’s understandable. The stories and perspectives feel decidedly partisan. But, why is that?

It’s because the stories are written in English, not American. There’s a big difference. English is adequate for projecting facts, but it does nothing to capture the full emotion of an idea. That’s where someone who is fluent in American becomes so valuable. American tells the raw, unadulterated truth. English leaves much to interpretation. American is fully transparent.

English is communicated. American is oozed. You know, like when you get bitten on the hand by the neighbor’s chihuahua. You figure that a nip from such a small dog is not serious. Then, a few day’s later, your now-warm and red hand starts churning its own butter. That kind of ooze.

Having said that, I’m here to help. Armed with a Kansas public school education and red state idealism, I’ll set the record straight. Depending on availability of material, this may become a recurring column.

On Coaching Sports and Volunteering at Youth Activities

English: We are grateful for volunteers who coach little league, act as scout leaders, serve on the school board, and run other youth projects and activities.

American: We are grateful for volunteers who coach little league, act as scout leaders, serve on the school board, and run other youth projects and activities as long as they cater to the needs and wants of my kid(s). Otherwise, I’m going to yell at them, leave angry voicemails, and talk to other parents about the volunteer’s ignorance and incompetence. Having said that, I’m glad they do it, because I’m, like, really busy sitting in my car playing with my iPhone while they teach my kid(s) the value of hard work, life skills, and stuff I should be teaching them if there wasn’t so much stuff to watch on TV. Plus, the internet isn’t going to surf itself.

On Abortion

English: Abortion is murder.

American: Abortion is murder. This is because a child (definition extended to the fetus) is involved. We are willing to make many, many murder exceptions involving humans over the age of 18 and most people between the ages of 10-17 (if we think they are a punk). We couldn’t care less about the carbon-based incubator for the fetus child. She needs to learn to follow orders.

On Term Limits for Congress

English: Most American’s support term limits for Congress.

American: Most American’s support term limits for Congress, except the ones for whom they cast votes. My member of Congress is great, but yours sucks eggs. Term limits are designed to protect you. As for me, I can handle my own business.

On Criminal Punishment, Minimum Sentences, and the Death Penalty

English: We, as a people, support harsh punishments for crime. This is done somewhat as retribution, but mostly as a deterrent in order to protect the right to happiness of honest, god-fearing people.

American: We, as a people, support harsh punishments for crime. We would also be OK with the death penalty for even the smallest of crimes. After all, most serious criminals start by committing petty crimes. Let’s eliminate this scourge before it seriously hurts one of us. When in doubt, remember that we do it for the children. This rule should not apply when it involves one of my close family members or friends. They should be given a chance to rehabilitate themselves, even in the most serious of circumstances.

On Religion

English: Religion is a wonderful source of ethical understanding and reverence for our creator.

American: My religion is a wonderful source of ethical understanding and reverence for our creator. That shit you believe? It sucks. It is violent and will rip any civilized society to shreds if given a chance. My religion is based on stuff that you must believe through the beauty of faith. Yours is based on stuff that some nut-job invented many hundreds of years ago. My religion is a beautiful, theological tapestry. Yours is a mindless cult. But, I’ll pray for you.

On The Definition of Justice

English: Holding someone fairly accountable for their actions within the bounds of the rules of law and equity.

American: Dude, I’ve got no clue, either. Here, have another shot of this stuff I distilled in my basement.

§ 4 Responses to Speak American!

  • Texas ADA says:

    Melds nicely with your entry about internet speak!

  • Texas ADA says:

    “It is tragic how few people ever ‘possess their souls’ before they die. ‘Nothing is more rare in any man,’ says Emerson, ‘than an act of his own.’ It is quite true. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are some one else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” – Oscar Wilde; De Profundis

    You are a seriously radical dude, Eric. And, also, funny!

    • Eric says:

      One of these days, I’ll be remembered, and they’ll say “Remember ol’ what’s-his-name? He was pretty funny.”

      Or, at least a guy can hope.

      • Adam says:

        You will always be remembered. They say the internet is forever, after all and, if they say it, it must be true, right?

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