September 30, 2011 § 4 Comments
If you consider what is written in the media and couple that with the experiences of CDLs with clients and their families, you see that the American public supports the construction two separate, yet coexisting, systems of justice.
1. The Fair and Compassionate System.
Available to: Themselves, Family Members, and Close Acquantances.
This is a system devoid of unfair practices and minimum sentences. It gives the accused a fair trial, the right to at least one very quality lawyer, and the chance to block all perceived unfair evidence from being produced and considered. This system gives huge rewards to first-time offenders, and it considers heavily the opportunity for a second (and even third and fourth) chance. It weighs factors from throughout the accused’s life and crafts the minimum sentence necessary to correct the wrongdoing and afford maximum chances at future success. Community service is preferred over incarceration. It understands that, for many, they’ve already learned a valuable lesson before trial begins. Victim rights/perspectives are considered, but, let’s face it, the trial is really about the guy/gal on trial. Appeals are automatically granted by all courts, and their main purpose is to reconsider the weight of evidence. Accused individuals and their families are allowed to communicate with the appellate authorities ex parte, and the appellate procedure is completely non-adversarial. Communicating a belief in christian ideals is considered proof of innocence.
2. The System For Everyone We Don’t Know/Don’t Give a Crap About.
Available to: Everyone Else (especially people we don’t personally know, the poor, and those whose cases are covered by mass media).
Trial occurs at the discretion of the prosecutor–but only if they feel like going through the trouble. This decision to waste time with a trial is often crowd sourced. Guilt is assigned at the moment of suspicion. The Death Penalty applies to all offenses, even jaywalking. Appeals are strictly forbidden. Any costs are assessed by selling the property of the accused and their extended family. Summary executions are allowed in NFL stadiums and can be purchased via pay-per-view. Proceeds fund monster truck racing and memorials on public grounds featuring a large christian cross as a centerpiece.
September 27, 2011 § 5 Comments
Happy Constitution Day!
Yeah, I’m late. I know. If you have a problem with this, leave a lengthy comment at Simple Justice. Please write in all caps and refrain from using paragraph breaks.
However, it is never too late to give thanks. On Constitution Day, lots of people thank Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, and others.
Not me. Those guys get enough thanks, and they hardly deserve all of it.
Instead, I’m going to thank those who really worked for the 4 months, 3 days that the who’s-who of colonial gentlemen converged upon Philadelphia to create a plan for governance.
Therefore, I thank, quite enthusiastically, the courtesans and loose women of Philadelphia. Their efforts, diligence, and high esprit-de-corps are a testament to the strength of our nation and its peoples.
September 24, 2011 § 2 Comments
So, you’re excited that your spouse is returning from deployment to Iraq or Afghanistan. That’s great, but don’t forget to prepare for their return. In your haste and excitement, you might forget some of the more important steps.
However, there is one step that is of vital importance, and forgetting it can cost you money, time, and your own personal safety. It is simple, yet many neglect this essential task. Remembering it may mean that you don’t need to call me after a rough and tumble night of fighting with your spouse.
So, I’d like to give you, kind reader, a gentle reminder of this critical task:
Clear your web browsing history and delete your temporary Internet files.
September 12, 2011 Comments Off
The difference between being “profane” and being “colorful,” depends completely on whether you are liked or not. Don’t believe me? You must not read the news.
September 11, 2011 Comments Off
Why am I a criminal defense lawyer and not a high school teacher?
I prefer working with clientele who know how to behave themselves.
September 9, 2011 Comments Off
Practicing law is for sissies.
I do law every day, for real.
September 8, 2011 Comments Off
How many soldiers does it take to operate a roller? I’ve always pondered the answer to that question. Now, I know it is approximately 20.
No matter the decade, the nature of government work never really changes.
Actually, they are doing a great thing–building an outdoor classroom for a local elementary school. The opportunity to provide this type of community service is wonderful. I hope they all realize it–especially those given the chance to sit and watch the roller.
September 7, 2011 § 3 Comments
How do I know I’m a nobody, inconsequential, hick lawyer?
I don’t have a filmography.
September 6, 2011 § 1 Comment
There’s a large movement afoot in legal circles to blame law schools for the inability of recent grads to find meaningful employment as a lawyer. It has a bit of traction. I’m not a member of this movement, as I had the limited wherewithal when I signed on the Law School dotted line in 2001 to realize that a degree was no guarantee of future employment.
However, being a big fan of creative solutions, I have a proposal.
I’ll join the “law school lied to us in order to make money” movement on one condition:
That all other members of this movement admit that they went to law school as a means of gaining a doctoral-level degree without the requirement of a dissertation.
There you go. I look forward to the opportunity to join your esteemed movement.
September 5, 2011 § 2 Comments
If you want to sound intelligent, but yet say something that is both profusely obvious and requiring neither intelligence nor wisdom, characterize someone as “deeply flawed.”
Never has there been a greater exposition of the obvious than to illustrate a human being as deeply flawed.
The moment at which we, as human beings, become deeply flawed is when our biological father’s deeply flawed seed meets our biological mother’s deeply flawed egg.